A marriage toast I wrote for one of my senior friends to deliver in 3 minutes!

A great man once said

Love is a mental sickness (pause)

Which is curable by marriage

That is why before marriage the man jumps around like a monkey

But after marriage he is very tame and well behaved…like a cute lovable puppy

(pause)

That is why may be CHRISTOPHER here is standing so well behaved next to SHALIA

Dearest CHRISTOPHER, SHALIA and all the family members gathered here.

A few days ago CHRISTOPHER & SHALIA

Asked me to raise a toast for their marriage

Now honestly speaking,

I find that very strange.

One because I know them only from the last two weeks

(pause for a second)

Two because I have never given a toast in my life

(pause for 2 seconds)

And three

My wife was wondering who wanted to listen to me open my big mouth

(pause for another second)

She tells me I am good at boring people.

Now friends

I am not going to give CHRISTOPHER and SHALIA lessons, tips and strategies on how to be happily married.

I am sure the father in the Church, their mom and dad, their uncles and aunties, brothers and sisters and half of India – all gave them enough tips and strategies to last them a life time.

Rather I will only share with them

What has worked for me in my 22 glorious years of marriage.

CHRISTOPHER

Just remember this

With this marriage SHALIA is leaving her house, her family, her life, her friends, all the comfort and everything she ever had

And she has decided to follow you.

Treat her like with love and compassion

And just as Jesus treated his disciples

Treat her with love, affection and respect.

SHALIA

Remember that

This man will work hard

Day and night

To protect, to feed and to look after you

He is dedicating his life to you and only you.

Treat him with the love and respect just as you treat your elders

So that he will only see you as his best friend and only friend

And to the both of you

The most important advice I tell the both of you is that

In this beautiful relationship

There will be bad moments.

And when there are the bad days

No matter what happens

Never let the Sun set on your anger

No matter how bitter you are

How angry you are

Or How hurt you are

When you go to sleep

Hold each other

And tell each other

How much you love each other.

Ladies and Gentlemen finally,

I want to conclude telling all of you.

One day when you all become young and handsome (pause) like me

And you are asked to give such a toast to another young couple

Keep in mind

That no marriage can succeed without the power of pray, without the grace of God and without the blessings of your elders.

So as I raise this glass to toast to all of you.

I conclude in the famous words of the famous German Scientist GEORG C. LICHTENBERG

Love is blind but marriage……(pause) it’s the cure.

to all of you present here Cheers

The Gospel of Sex, Orgasm & anything Hard according to the Tattooed Prophet. (or simply What the fuck is love?)

The Gospel of Sex, Orgasm & anything Hard according to the Tattooed Prophet.

(or simply What the fuck is love?)

Welcome to the 21^st Century.

A place where simple is complicated.

Where easy becomes hard.

Where good is actually bad.

Where love is actually is…..business.

What the hell does this word ‘love’ mean?

There is no need to google the bloody thing.

Nor refer a cheap shitty dictionary.

You want easier, let me put it to you.

Love as in between a man and a woman.

What the fuck is it?

Look at it this way.

Ask a teenager whose pubic hair is growing like some rotten fungus on piece of bread.

Your normal teenager (ages 11 to 15) would define love as what he or she shares with the member of the opposite sex.

Where exploring sensitive spots, trying sexual positions and trying to lick each others private parts becomes a total new experience for them to experiment with.

And yes, the pathetic ‘I love you’, the gifts from daddy’s pocket money and the love songs put in a CD signify the everlasting feeling of love.

But you have to understand one thing.

In all of the above, an orgasm is very important.

Or else they would opt for a sausage or anything that is hard and fits.

Fast forward.

Go to an adult teenager (16 to 20).

Love is having a hot guy or girl whose mere presence gives him or her the value that she or he is worth something. They try to imitate any pathetic star they see on the idiot box or the music charts. They are 20 going to be 35.

They try to show their ‘maturity’ to stand in the world by sucking on some cigarette as a substitute for a milk bottle, try swallowing some alcohol to show that their internal organs can withstand over priced drinks meant for losers and then like to dare and go to the extreme by smoking on grass - which hopefully takes them to heaven.

For a girl, its like this - That the guy sucking on her breasts while fingering her hole would give her the feeling that yes, he loves me. And for the guy to have the female giving her a blow job signifies he is ‘in love’.

And yes, the wonderful letters, the machismo of doing stupid things like cutting each other and drinking blood – something I am guilty of and yeah, the climax of it all – an fool proof plan to be with each other for eternity.

But you have to understand one thing.

In all of the above, an orgasm is very important.

Or else they would opt for a sausage or anything that is hard and fits.

Fast Forward.

Go to Adult life

Here boys are divided into 3 categories.

1) Who get females easily.

2) Who cant get females easily.

3) Who get females if they are lucky.

Category number 1

Well they love putting their hot dogs every place. I mean when they can have a variety, why stick to vanilla only?

Category 2

Sad pathetic category who stick to one female and believe in the great promises of love and being happily in each others arms forever and ever amen.

Category 3

They get a girl. Keep the girl until the replacement arrives.

The girls can be divided into 2 categories

1) Females who can get guys easily

2) Females who cannot get guys at all

Category 1)

They choose the best pick in the lot. Rest are losers. Since they have many men smelling their pussy and going around them like dogs in heat, they choose the best dog to fuck them.

Category 2)

They grab anything they get as long as it is not worse than them.

But you have to understand one thing.

In all of the above, an orgasm is very important.

Or else they would opt for a sausage or anything that is hard and fits.

Finally comes the age of maturity.

The 30’s.

Now over here there are 2 categories – Men and Women.

In the men’s section, its like this.

Men who are successful

Men who are losers.

The successful man is one who has a good physique, clubbed with a good bank balance, good property, good career and yes, a good dick, tongue and finger to finger his bitch.

The Loser category may not have one or more of the above.

Females prefer the 1^st category and give you pathetically emotional reason why they choose them. Sadly no bitch would ever want to admit that yes, I love him because he fucks me well and his dick is expensive. No. She will bathe it in words like, I love him because he loves me (and pathetic excuses like that)

Now coming to the bitches….sorry, I mean whores called women.

There are the following categories.

Maids

Career Women.

Confused Whores

Maids

They are women who are a gift to any man. They do everything a biblical woman should do and are rare treasures to find. They are mostly women from the east. And they don’t drink, smoke and were not bonked by every guy whom they assumed, they were in love with. They consider it an honor to be a woman who would work and make the house.

Career Women

Their primary job is to drink, smoke and get the best fuck in their prime. They primary focus however is to focus on their career. And so they keep meeting one guy to another. The only exception to this rule is when they find someone who is a WOW and then they make sure they either get pregnant from that guy so as to trap him or swallow his cum every time he climaxes so that he would get addicted to her. If in case, they don’t find such a chap, they keep hunting, till finally when they know they are getting wasted with time, they will grab whosoever they can find – but yes, the best investment for themselves.

Confused Whores.

All of the above but even after that they have to fuck because they were meant to have their holes filled with something or another – with a pretext of calling it love.

But you have to understand one thing.

In all of the above, an orgasm is very important.

Or else they would opt for a sausage or anything that is hard and fits.

Fast Forward

Marriage and Old age.

What happens here?

Well either the guy is bored of the bitch – now whose tits are hanging up to her knees or whose fanny is so loose, he can put his head inside her. So what he does is get a 10$ blowjob from a girl who is young as his daughter.

The woman on the other hand asks her cleaner or some young boy to do the honors in exchange of giving him some pocket money.

Oh, but please, mind you. In front of the public, they will always portray themselves to be ‘decent and happily married’

Fast Forward.

They get old.

The guy needs Viagra pills to get an erection.

The woman needs a baseball bat to fit inside her.

But no, now they both are old and decent.

So sex is no longer important.

Only friendship.

And yes, finally ‘love’ comes into play.

But you have to understand one thing.

In all of the above, an orgasm is very important.

Or else they would opt for a sausage or anything that is hard and fits.

The End.

Topic Selection while giving speeches.

One can speak on just about anything provided the speaker achieves his project objectives. True, there are millions of topics one can speak on but the question comes down to what do you choose to speak on and how much effort and research you are willing to put into it.

The 6 Steps of Topic Selection

What I normally do is this.

1) Find out what your purpose of speaking.

If I am asked to give a motivational speech and I give them a depressing speech, it would make no sense.

2) Who is my audience.

Are they kids? Grown up? Asians? Americans? Body builders? Priests? Based on this I research stories appropriate for them.

3) Topic Selection versus Personality

A priest giving advice on how to live a happy married life is as silly as being a teenager and giving advice on how to have a successful career. Make sure the topic suits your personality.

4) Innovative & Different.

Smoking, Driving dangerously, Secrets of success, Abraham Lincolns life story on how many times he failed, Edison and the light blub, Colonel Sanders and the KFC story are all over-used stories. Avoid them. Think of may be the same message but say it differently

5) Day-to-day events.

Everyday in our lives we have millions of incidents. The traffic jam, the escalating rents, parties, promotions, marriages….all these events have a story behind them. If you are observant enough, you will find something of value in each of these episodes. You being a unique person have many unique experiences. Tell us about them.

6) Have a message & believe in it

Every story MUST have a message. It need not be about life and death or really serious. Rather it can be something worth sharing with others. If you look around, in everything you will find something to share. But share it ONLY if you believe in the message.

Use these points and I can assure you, you will come out with a decent topic.

Meet Maaya - A seemigly drunk fool who hides a genius inside.

Sometimes even a person who looks like a drunk fool can come out with a piece of work that can amazes intellects.....Read what he wrote about me....Deep observations from a drunk man.

An interesting character that attracted my interest at the bar was this huge muscular beef pack, tattooed all over with a file holder that totally outwitted his appearance. My usual stand for the same would be “who gives a fuck”, but then the file holder just seemed to intrigue me. He turned to be a character of multidimensional expertise, a graphologist with a streaming passion for his talent, an orator, a professional marketer, and remarkably positive dimensions, required to flesh out a genius character. I was amused, rather, by his frankness of thoughts, respect of personal space,” don’t give a damn attitude and most importantly substance; qualities that I might want to appreciate, for it’s definitely hard to apprehend characters of these qualities in this country. Let’s face it, it’s a land of super jerks, the ricketed with the funny” Give me my god damn gold” attitude. Get a life suckers.

The file holder was the cradle of his research work and opposed to my thoughts, it wasn’t a moron’s sex invite gadget. I was privileged to have fielded across a stream of positive energy, and he remains a character of respect. I do get irritated at times with the thousand of updates flooding on my facebook account and the hundreds of people racing ahead to post their “God knows Wat” kind of comments. Times I have wondered if these unsolicited comments ever make a difference in his life, but then, if life is a stage, I realized, this guy was operating the tramp door and all the way, having a hearty laugh. If anything goes for fun, who gives a damn...Well isn’t that the whole point.Having fun, laughing at yourselves, laughing at others and challenging life with the sumptuous pride of a joker. With a billion people acting funny everyday, who knows if God is out there even. He might have had a heart attack, practicing excessive happiness.God..God..Well,he answered..Damn, he is still laughing.

Have you ever had the opportunity to ask someone what they feared in you...Well, if you haven’t, try the same, as the words could be a positive reflection of your character. I have had people who have been kind enough to maintain soulful superficial distance for reasons of me being rude, opinionated and outspoken. I like it that way. Live with it.

How to improve body language and gestures.

You can divide your non-verbal communicators into 5 categories.

1. Hands
2. Legs
3. Face
4. Body
5. Stage

Hands

1. Hands must be used to communicate a message. The process I use is this:
2. Have a speech ready that you would like to deliver.
3. What you do then is deliver the speech WITHOUT SAYING A SINGLE WORD AT ALL.
4. Video tape this and have a look.
5. Have a look and ask yourself – does my hands speak my message?
6. If yes, you are doing a good job.
7. If not, work to make it happen.

Word of advice

1. Larger the audience – bigger the gestures.
2. Make sure your gestures are in sync with your verbal message

Legs

1. Some speakers believe in walking around and using the whole stage area, while some others feel a small space is enough.
2. Find out how much space is comfortable to you.
3. Move ONLY if there is a purpose OR you want to connect to another part of the audience.

Word of advice

1. When you move forward – it is to make a point stronger and focus on that point.
2. When you move backward – it is to make a point weaker or show the larger picture.
3. When you want to make sense / chronological point – Move (if you are on the stage facing the audience) left to right i.e. provided the stage is large.
4. Avoid walking around like a desperate person or as they call it ‘hungry lion’

Face

Follow the same procedure as stated in ‘Hands’

Body

1. Your posture is very important – Have a power posture
2. Avoid standing on one leg or having the weight of your body on one side
3. Let your body move when there is an expression you want to express
4. When you lower you body – it is done for a sad moment
5. When you elevate your body – it is for a positive / happy moment. The higher – the happier

Word of advice

1. Your posture is very important – Have a power posture
2. Avoid standing on one leg or having the weight of your body on one side

Stage

1. The stage can be used for
1. past, present or future.
2. particular incidents
3. to show a person’s presence
4. to state a point of wisdom

Word of advice

1. I normally use 8 areas of a stage to communicate my message
2. Use the stage ONLY if you are comfortable with it – not because someone said it.

How to control stage fear.

Let me tell you a secret.

Even after 15 years of speaking I still get butterflies in my stomach. I get cold hands. I get a wild beating heart. And yes, I do break into a cold sweat.

But the trick of the trade is to change this nervousness into visible Excitement, Enthusiasm and Energy.

10 Tricks of the Trade

1. Practice – Practice makes perfect. The more your practice the better you get at it. Keep practicing till you feel you can remember what you are supposed to do even if you were half asleep. I have known people who have practiced a speech more than 800 times simply because they wanted to achieve perfection.
2. Deep Breathing – Breath in slowly in 8 seconds till your lungs are filled up. Hold your breath for 4 seconds. And then breath out slowly in 10 seconds or more.
3. Talk to yourself – Tell yourself to Relax while S-T-R-E-T-C-H-I-N-G the word. Your mind has a magic way of listening to you.
4. Exercise – Though it may sound funny but if you are physically fit in terms of jogging and have a healthy heart, you would be able to control your nervousness easily. Just to share with you, I double my cardio to nearly 2 hours of cycling / jogging nearly for a month before any intense competition. That helps me relax
5. Coffee / Tea / Smoking – Though I am not in favor of such addictives, some people claim they feel relaxed using them.
6. Positive energy – See positive pictures and surround yourself with positive people. It helps.
7. Mock Rehearsals – Come early to the venue. Keep practicing at the venue till you get familiar with the sights, sounds and the stage. Many of my competitors have been known to practice for days on a the stage until they get familiar with their surroundings. Familiar surrounds always ease nervousness.
8. External Help – Ask your well wishers to sit where you can see them and ask them to nod their heads in an understanding manner (up and down as a ‘yes-I-understand’ nod). A familiar warm hearted smile always eases nervousness while you speak.
9. Magic Charm – Do you have anything that you consider good luck? If yes, use it. A charm can always do wonders. But keep in mind – don’t have something so big that it bulges out of your pocket or falls out. Just get it with you and know it is there to bring you good luck.
10. Sleep – A good nights sleep always works like a charm – any day!

How to improve voice modulation.

What I have done.

1. Exaggerated Movements - Learn to stretch your lips, open your mouth wide and pronounce every word properly during practice.
2. Diaphragm - Learn to speak from your diaphragm (In the anatomy of mammals, the thoracic diaphragm is a sheet of muscle extending across the bottom of the rib cage.)
3. Loud - When practicing – practice loudly and enunciate clearly
4. Sing - Learn to sing loudly even if you have a bad voice.
5. Warm up - Always warm up before you speak - Practice talking and exercising your vocal chords before your speech
6. Water - Drink slightly warm water before you speak and then drink a sip again of normal water before you speak
7. Shhhh Practice – Go some place alone and say SHHHH as loud and as much as you can on a single breath. This will give you a warm up for your diaphragm.
8. Fast, Slow, Loud, Slow – Practice reading your speech in the 4 styles stated.

How to approach Table Topics / Extempore / Impromtu Speeches

I would require 20 to 30 minutes to explain everything I know. However, here are few key points.

The 4 Powerful Pillar Points to any table topics are:

1. Don’t be afraid to make a total fool of yourself - Learn to relax and enjoy the moment.
2. Approach the table topic with a mind set to fail
3. Don’t move from the stage until you see the Red Light – Show you enjoy the spot light.
4. If nothing else, just keep talking any nonsense.

The 6 secret steps.

1. Listen very carefully to the topic
2. Repeat the topic in your head as it is being stated.
3. Capture the ‘key’ words of the topic
4. Visualize the topic in you mind as a movie
5. Try to connect the ‘key’ word to whatever comes to you mind.
6. As you keep talking, try to visualize the sequence in your head (Remember you can think faster than you speak)

The standard key approach to any topic are the following:

1. OOOC – Opinion, Opinion, Opinion and Conclusion

(When you get a topic that requires your opinion, give 3 opinions of your and end with a conclusion eg. What do you think would happen if the Gold prices came down?)

2. EEEC – Example, Example, Example and Conclusion

(When you get a topic that requires your opinion, give 3 examples and finally end with a conclusion eg. Who do you think is smarter – Man or Woman?)

3. OBC – The standard Opening, Body and Conclusion

(Do I need to explain this?)

4. If / But format or Agree to Disagree Approach

(A situation is given to you. You site an example for the topic. You site another example against the topic. Then finally you give your conclusion in the end. Eg – Do you think its okay for men to take the role of housewives?)

5. Take a stand approach.

(A question is presented to you and you take one side of the argument and make your stand clear. Do you think sex education should be allowed in schools?)

6. Dissect approach

(A crazy topic is given to you. Explain what you understand of the topic. Normally, such topics don’t make sense but how you dissect them makes the difference. Why did the chicken cross the road?)

Reflections after an attempted suicide.

Reflections after an attempted suicide.

Not many memories are as powerful as that of the day when you tried to kill yourself.

To suicide.

To set yourself free.

To get away from it all.

To move into absolute silence.

2^nd December 2002 I attempted to do just that.

Tired of a spirit shattered by failures.

Tired of a mind ripped by torture.

Tired of a life poisoned by pain.

When one sinks so deep into the pit of frustration, depression and humiliation, what other way is left?

So the answer was clear to me.

So on 2^nd December 2002

At 2’O clock in the darkness.

In the freezing temperatures of Dublin

I decided to end it all.

Dublin was a sinister silent sleeping city

And my grave.

All alone in the blackness

I walked 17 miles

Right up to the highway

The Icy wind

The bone chilling coldness

The wet noise as my feet took me ahead

My face pale white

My teeth chattering

My fingers cold and numb

I stood at my destination.

The highway of death.

The lone road of going to a point of no return.

And there a light shone on my face

The angel of death

The fast moving truck

The final destination

The math was very simple.

A monstrous machine of madness moving at 100 km per hour

A diabolical demon of darkness that darkened everything at sight

A icy cold night that made everything slip its grasp

And there I stood in the corner

Blinded with its light

Knowing fully well that this was the moment

The moment that would end it all

The moment that would free me forever

The moment that would break those chains of pain

Closer and closer it came

Bigger and Bigger it became

Scarier and Scarier I felt

And there it came

A few more seconds

A few more breaths

A few more…and it was all over.

After 9 months of repeated blows both mentally, emotionally and spiritually

I could no longer handle it

I had failed beyond anything else

And I could not imagine going back home and showing my face of failure.

Rage welled up inside me

Bitter and Betrayal burned into my heart

It had to end.

It had to

And it would

I had left home with pride

I had left home with happiness

I had left home with hope

But now I was wasted.

So there I stood.

Just one more step ahead

And it was all over…

And I picked up my foot ready to take that step forward….

And then it happened…..

For the strangest reason

For which I could and would never be able to explain

It happened.

Just as I was about to take that step

I felt someone scratch my back…

Right from the time I was a child

From the time I was a baby

My mom always scratched my back

To put me to sleep

To make me feel comfy

To let me know how much she loved me

A ritual of love that continued well over my adult life

And at that moment

When I was freezing cold

When I was absolutely cold

When I was numb with cold

I felt my back being scratched.

And instead of moving that foot front….

I took that step….back

I turned around

And searched, screamed and sought my mom

The scratch felt so real

I actually searched for my mom

Crying

Weeping

Sobbing

I screamed her name

But no one was there

As the truck zoomed off

I lay there alone in the darkness

With rain, wind and mud slapping across my body…

I broke down and I wept bitterly

Wept my heart out

Wept all those 9 months of hurt

As minutes and minutes of silence went by

As tears and tears of pain poured by

As sobs and sobs of hurt washed by

I picked myself up from the dirt

And walked silently back home

I realized one thing

One small thing….

At that moment

In my deepest darkest most desperate hour

He was there for me.

He was there.

And in the words not said

In the exchanges not made

In the presence not shown

He made me realize

That I was here for a purpose

And he would not let go of me

He would not give up on me

He would not let me die

Until I proved and lived and breathed my destiny.

You see

Not many memories are as powerful as that of the day when you tried to kill yourself.

To suicide.

To set yourself free.

To get away from it all.

To move into absolute silence.

And in that most powerful moment

I realized

There was a God

And when I needed him the most,

He would be there for me.

He would be there.

May be you don’t believe in him.

May be you don’t believe in this.

May be you don’t think he exists.

That’s not important.

What is important for me is this

I experienced him in my life and I know for a fact….

That my God loves me.