(The question does arise, why do I share something so intimate? I believe since I dont know when I will live or die, I want through my letter and my thoughts touch someone's life in the smallest way possible and make my life worth it...and if it can do someone some good - even as something small as make them smile or brighten up their day....I believe it was worth it....But having said that....I would never disclose her name when I know she is not mine to be.....And the day she does become mine....I would never disclose what I write for her to the world because she becomes the most sacred and precious person to my life.......Thats the irony of my messages and my life....)
The Burger Discussion we were supposed to have but never had.
Its 4am.
Im sitting down in front of my PC, with a Hardees Burger, a coke, cold French fries listening to Patsy Cline’s Crazy and jotting down my thoughts of what I wanted to share with you today.
The question arises why?
I mean either I must be
1) really lonely
2) super bored
3) an idiot
4) desperate
5) creative writer
6) trying to impress you
7) wanting to share something
Really lonely – well been used to it since childhood. Don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t socialize, don’t keep friends because I don’t believe in them – so loneliness and her sister solitude are dear friends I have had with me for many years. And I do love their company.
Super bored – Oh no. I am never bored. I have enough and more excitement in my life through the small things I do.
An idiot – I would love to say I am not. But there have been many moments where I have been one.
Desperate – I really wish I could say I have NEVER been desperate in my life. But I am human. And yes, I have failed being strong. But my desperation has been for something more than just merely an animalistic instinct to gratify my physical hunger.
Creative Writer – It is something I aspire to be.
Trying to impress you – If I can be myself and impress you – nothing like it. Be something else or someone else – Has never worked before and I don’t intend doing it at this stage of my life.
Wanting to share something – Yes. I guess that is what these thoughts are all about.
So where do I begin?
I don’t know.
I don’t have a pre-planned script but I can go with the flow.
And how do I do that when I am sitting sitting down in front of my PC, with a Hardees Burger, a coke, cold French fries listening to Patsy Cline’s Crazy?
Simple.
I close my eyes and visualize you in front of me.
And then I start.
So lets begin.
If you were sitting in front of me right now I would say this…
Life is crazy.
Really crazy.
I mean what happened to simplicity?
What happened to honesty?
What happened to the simple things in life?
What happened to love?
Being happy?
Falling in love?
Having a true friend?
Trusting them?
Knowing that they would never do anything to hurt you? To harm you? To betray you?
I mean at what stage of life did these simple facts no longer exist?
I am 32.
And at this stage of my life, I am asking myself so many questions.
Most of them which I myself don’t have answers for and don’t know if ever I will get any answers.
So what I do, is read.
Read books with the hope that somewhere I will find the answer.
Speaking to people is not my style because I did it so many times – only to get one thing from all of them. It is called a ‘Opinion’. Which sometimes can also be categorized as ‘Bullshit’ or at times ‘A-one-sided-pathetic-boring-long-over-drawn-lecture’.
So what I do?
I read a book.
So whenever I want, I can open it.
And when I get bored, I can close it.
So as I was doing it today, my eyes bumped into you.
At first I saw a young, slender woman who was having a good time.
And being the person that I am – I follow one policy – peek once but don’t look and never stare.
So after I had my 2 seconds peek – I went back into my book.
I mean after all, I wouldn’t want your ‘chocolate looks superman’ to come out of the blue, half drunk and half full with testosterone oozing out of his ears to come and declare a war on me.
I may be muscled and big – but I am not stupid to get into a fight.
But I looked again and noticed, there were no ‘chocolate looks superman’ protecting you – as in most girls who come to the club.
You were dancing with 2 boys who I knew…but knowing them, I didn’t think they were your ‘knights in the shinny armor’
But then being the person that I am – I would never approach a girl – that too in a club.
I mean look at it.
So many women – dressed in their Thursday best come to the club – for a reason. And that reason does not include wanting to be hunted and pestered by half drunk males. I have a feeling most of the males in Dubai (especially the ones who go to clubs) feel that they have realized an amazing truth – the truth that women come to clubs to want to meet them, take their number and hope to get laid end of the night (by some stroke of luck or magic).
Sadly, this is not the case.
Of what I have managed to understand from many, women come to clubs to dance, drink, socialize with the people they know, get appreciated by good looking, smart yet decent crowds and yes, let loose. But the LAST thing on their mind is being pestered by some nut-job.
So, I didn’t want to be a ‘nut-job’.
So I stood doing what I do best.
Reading my book.
A brief interaction did take place.
You came forward to see which book I was reading.
You thought I was a nut case.
And you went back to dance.
Well, and I thought to myself – well something is better than nothing
I immersed myself in my book and continued being briefly disturbed, distracted and dismantled by a few curious souls whom I have given the liberty to disturb.
Then finally came the part I didn’t expect.
A small conversation.
Followed by another one.
Followed by a mini-handwriting analysis session.
And then a brief but important moment where sacred scripts of a hurting past were shared.
And that is the moment where I don’t hear any noise that surrounds the club.
I don’t see anyone else.
I don’t sense anything else…..
But I zeroed my senses only on you.
You were saying something very important and I wanted to really pay attention.
I mean those were few words.
Very few.
But they spoke of volumes.
Of pain.
Intensity.
Hurt.
Frustration.
Anger.
Silent questions that can never be heard or answered.
And for which there are no answers.
I guess I could sense it because I like you.
It’s a feeling you get when you feel a connection because you not only because you find that person very presentable and elegant but you get the feeling of sincerity and innocence that comes from looking at someone who has a clean heart.
And I would rather focus myself totally on one gem rather than a whole flock of vampires dressed as human beings.
I listened to that sentence that was hardly a few seconds long but lasted an eternity of expressiveness and emotions.
And then thoughts crossed my mind.
Should I take a bold step of trying to be a friend?
Or will my intentions be judged by my looks – the tattoos, the ugly past, the reputation which creative people conjured, the big built and the fear that people invent because of ignorance?
I decided to follow a principle that I created to govern my life – Live each day as if it were your last.
So I not only asked for your number
I also asked if we could meet for a Burger.
To be honest, mixed feelings crossed my mind when I did that.
Was I being too forthright?
Or should I have practiced the art of ‘self-control’ and ‘let-me-be-sohisticated-and-play-hard-to-get-so-gets-to-give-me-more-value’….
I have seen this and I have witnessed a fact – they do work. At least in this part of the world and most of the time.
But me?
Would I resort to this?
No.
Sadly, it is a choice that comes with a price to pay.
And the price to pay is me staying forever in the arms of my best friends – Solitude and Loneliness.
Surprisingly, you said yes.
You not only gave me your number, you also agreed to meet up for my late-night-bodybuilding snack!
Wow.
Dreams do come true.
At least that is what I thought.
So I got ready with my ‘man-bag’ and my belongings.
You also got ready.
I said goodbye to the people around me and to your friends.
And as I began to leave the club and as others also began to leave the club, we got a bit serperated.
Some people tried to have a conversation with me as we kept walking.
I exchanged my views with them but back of my head was wondering – where did you vanish?
So, I took a few steps forward out into the parking lot.
And there when I realized I could not see you, I dug into that precious little detail that you left me.
Your phone number.
So I called up the number.
It was disconnected.
That felt weird.
I called up the number again.
It was disconnected again.
Well….I guess I got the message…..or was I wrong?
I mean a honest reply would suffice.
So as I was walking towards my car, I realized something.
May be you were not supposed to give the number.
May be you were not supposed to say for the ‘bodybuilding late night burger snack’
May be you were a little high – not alcohol but may be the excitement of meeting someone got you so overwhelmed, that you did something your principles would not have let you do otherwise.
May be I was expecting too much.
May be at times, being childlike with ones feelings does not do good.
So, Loneliness and Solitude put their arms around me and we walked to my car.
And as we walked, I got a message that coldly and shortly stated ‘Will meet up some other day’
Hmm…I wondered.
What did I do wrong?
Was I being too pushy?
Did someone warn you against how ‘dangerous’ a serial killer I was?
Or did you realize it was a mistake from your end?
So I just replied ‘U take care’ feeling a bit disappointed and hurt.
But it was okay…I didn’t have anything before…and I didn’t have anything now…
So I drove my humble car to my burger outlet – Hardees and instead of having a burger at the outlet, I decided to have some of it in the car….and the rest at home.
But as I ate alone, I asked myself, what’s wrong in letting someone know how you feel?
I mean what is the worst they can do?
Belittle you?
Judge you?
Avoid you?
The voice back of my head told me clearly ‘If she couldn’t see through you, then there was no chemistry. No connection. Its best that she realized it now’
But if she did understand, then there was chemistry between two people.
So I decided to take yet another step.
I decided that I would tell you my thoughts.
So while driving down Emirates Road – slowly, I typed the message on my Iphone.
And this is what it read
“Just wanted you to know how much I appreciated the fact that you shared an insight into your life. That was offering trust. On the other hand Im sorry if I sounded too bold or rude asking for your number & a request for you to join me for a burger – Bodybuilding does make us have a super big appetite I thought it would be nice to have your company. I did hope to share a few thoughts of my life with you during our pre-sudden-planned-pre-sudden-cancelled Burger Moment (which I will email you now as I reach home) Pleas don’t mind my expressiveness. Im the type who says it as it is and it was really nice meeting you. I hope I didn’t scare you enough so as not to meet you again. God Bless and heal you and bring back the smile not just on your face but in your heart – Machedo – ( the tattooed philosopher).
I did it and then I went home and sat on my PC.
As I began typing, I was wondering still….should I or shouldn’t I…..
I was like what the hell…just do it.
So then again, I began typing.
And then I received your message
‘Was nice meeting you too. Was with my friends. Doesn’t look nice to leave them and go. Will make it up next time for the burger. Good night’
Well I smiled.
I felt happy.
You replied.
My feelings were respected.
So now I wonder whats next?
So that is where I decided I would complete my conversation with you.
So here goes.
Well, I find you nice.
Really nice.
I mean, okay fine, I have found a few girls that I did feel were nice.
I do find such women from time to time.
If you want a statistical data to make it clear – happens to me once in 4 months.
But then, when it comes to meeting that person or even talking to that person – that is extremely rare.
That I would account it as once in a year.
Then comes the third part.
The conversation.
The moment where chemistry builds up.
The time when you realize – yes, I can connect with this person or I can’t connect with this person.
That happens….lets see…I last this happened was….er ….is never a good answer?
To be honest, almost all the women I have found myself drawn to or attracted to – the minute they opened their mouth, it was like ‘Okay fine, Take Care, God Bless and Good Bye’.
I mean, I don’t want to sound rude, but there are some women created who have been blessed with beauty and looks. And that is where their creation ends. The minute they open their mouth and display their common sense as a human being – its like talking to mad person.
And to be honest, most of the time after speaking to them and hearing them speak, I was glad I came with a book to the club.
Just to make you understand the logic of some of the ‘interesting’ women I have chatted up with –
1) A 24 year old woman telling me the fact that she has half a million in her bank account through commissions when she cannot even tell me what is her contribution to her employer
2) A 25 year old woman introducing me to her made up ‘brother’ and then the next thing that follows is that both of them are doing some kind of ‘Lambada’ with their legs crossing and feeling each other.
3) A 28 year old woman just getting introduced and then being kind enough to ‘grind me’ when I honestly don’t think she should go so far ahead on the first meeting.
4) A 36 year old fat-ugly-bloated-short woman whom I thought was just a good friend and then the next thing she tells me ‘so aren’t you going to invite me to your place for coffee now’??? (and I was wondering who drinks coffee at around 230am???)
The reason I didn’t put names is because I have to respect their privacy and their identity.
Oh but please don’t get me wrong.
I am no saint.
I have had my share of adventures.
One night stands – which after doing it once, I honestly wondered why does Hollywood glorify it so much? I mean it is so bloody disgusting – the feeling after the whole lust is done with.
Romantic adventures – where you meet someone, get close to them and a relationship blooms.
Failed Attempts – Where you try your luck but fail. Something I must have done only in my college days because those days my pride was shorter than my hard on.
But now times have changed.
So when I had my conversation with you, I loved it.
It was brief.
And then I found out your birthday which was coming in a few days.
And I asked you if you had any plans.
You said no.
So I with a pure heart asked if we could celebrate it together.
And you said yes.
Now, I honestly don’t know if you meant it or not.
If you didn’t mean it and would change your mind – well I have no right to say anything. After all, you have just met me. I have not carved my place in your life as yet.
And if you did mean it and would stick to plan, well all I can offer you is this.
I cant promise you an expensive birthday – I am not a rich man.
I cant promise you an extra special birthday – I am not a man who tries to impress.
I cant promise you a crowded birthday – It is not a circus and when there are too many people, I feel it loses it meaning in the crowds of ‘well-wishers’ who some where in the future vanish like a feather floating in the wind.
But what I can promise you is this – A sincere birthday.
A birthday celebration which money cannot buy.
A birthday celebration which only comes from a sincere heart.
A birthday celebration that would mean every part of its happening.
So this is all I can offer you.
But now the big question is why?
Why do I want to do that?
And secondly, why should you ever accept it?
Lets break it down.
First question.
Why do I want to do that?
Well, the best answer I can give you is from the movie Jerry McGuire
“You had me at Hello”
I mean just as you can hate someone within seconds, I believe you can like someone in seconds and sometimes may be love someone. There is no shame in this. It’s a feeling that comes from within. Although I do know many many many idiotic hormone crazed men who feel they ‘love’ with everything that has a cunt (sorry to be rude but it’s a bitter fact) when the reality is that, it is nothing but plain old dirty lust.
It’s a sincere gift from someone who wants to do his best to make your special day ……..memorable. May not be grand but yes, would be sincere.
And now the second question.
Why should you accept it?
Come to think of it, there are plenty and more reasons why you should not.
I am ugly – not your regular chocolate boy.
I am big, bulky and chubby – not the sleek body of Tom Cruise that you can flaunt to your friends
I am not the happening guy – which gives a woman the immense pride.
And yes, I can think of another more big horrifying reasons.
But I can only think of one reason why I feel you should accept it.
Only and Only if you feel your heart says so.
I mean, I have poured out my heart and all its contents in this paper for you to read.
Why did I do it?
May be because I am
1) really lonely
2) super bored
3) an idiot
4) desperate
5) creative writer
6) trying to impress you
7) wanting to share something
But that I will leave for you to judge.
So this is what I want to propose.
I wish I could kneel down to show you I am sincere but this is how I would do it
(imagine me kneeling and asking)
Okay wait…
I will actually kneel down and type this out…
Wait…
(ouch..floor was hard)
Okay so here goes…
(Im kind of smiling here because I am feeling silly about this – its my first time so do give me a break! I don’t do this everyday!)
Okay…er…
Alright…
So..er…
(silence…closed my eyes to think and say it from my heart)
Would you like to…
I mean …
At 5:52am
As I kneel down in front of my PC, typing these thoughts to you….
Would you accept my humble request to spend your birthday with me. I promise and give you my word that I will behave properly while not faking it, I will treat you with request while not putting on an act, I will do my best to keep you happy while being myself with you. It would mean a lot to me because yes, I am lonely, bored of stupid relationship and people, an idiot for someone so different as you, desperate for someone with a beautiful heart, a creative writer when I want to really express myself to someone I feel connected to, trying to impress you because I feel being myself and who I am is good enough for you and wanting to share something that is why I really want us to spend the first big moment at the most special day of your life…..which I hope will be the first of many many many more?
So would you?
I really hope and await your reply.
Oh but wait.
Not everything can be too good to be true isn’t it?
I mean if everything came in a too good to be true package – then there is something fishy in it.
Learnt that in my school of hard knocks.
So here is the catch to it.
If in case you do decide to have a big birthday bash or say a birthday surprise party with all your friends, I will be with you in spirit and prayer. But not in person.
Why?
They say when there are too many dishes to eat from, you don’t savor each and every one of them.
But when you have just one, it is to be remembered.
And for me where I don’t believe in these big acts of celebrations, I equally believe in the sanctity of something private.
I am a shy person who likes to be in his world with his two friends – Solitude and Loneliness. When there are too many people…..everything becomes less meaningful.
Two is beautiful. Three is a crowd. Four is a chaos and more than that is a circus.
If you did choose to spend your birthday with me – I will take it as the greatest gift of trust anyone could give me. I will really respect it.
However, if you don’t, its okay.
Life had destined it to be that way.
(ouch….let me get up…my knees are hurting…)
So back to the letter….
Just remember this – whatever you choose, I will respect your wishes knowing you did what made you happy.
In the end, I want to know I was able to foucs on what made you happy.
Whatever the case, whatever the choice,
I want you to know
I am honestly greatful you took time to read my letter and my thoughts.
My problem is I have a heart of a child.
Whatever I have inside, I speak it out.
I did my bit…
Now you choose and do your bit.
I await your reply.
Machedo
